WRITING 3
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FALLING DOWN


HIS HAIR WAS BLEACH-BLOND, HIS EYES WERE THE COLOUR OF THE SKY, HIS SMILE WAS CONTAGIOUS, WIDE AND BRIGHT. HE LISTENED TO THE FUNNIEST MUSIC, IT WAS ALWAYS ON. HE LOVED TO PLAY POOL, THAT’S ALL HE EVER SEEMED TO DO, WHEN HE WAS HOME. MOST OF THE TIME, HE WAS AT HIS UNCLES SHOP FIXING CARS. HE’D ALWAYS COME BACK AND COMPLAIN ABOUT A BURN OR CUT HE’D GOTTEN. HE’D ALWAYS SIT ON THE SAME CHAIR, EVERY TIME HE CALLED. HE’D SIT THERE WITH THE PHONE IN HIS LAP, AND CASUALLY WRAP THE CORD AROUND HIS ARM. SOMETIMES, HE WOULD LOSE HIS BALANCE, WHILE TRYING TO UNWRAP IT, AND THE BROKEN LEG AT THE BACK WOULD GIVE WAY, AND HE WOULD END UP TOPPLING OVER THE BACKSIDE OF THE CHAIR. HIS FAVOURITE CHAIR. WE WOULD LAUGH FOR HOURS ABOUT THAT. HE KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN. EVERY TIME HE LEANED BACK, HE KNEW EVENTUALLY HE WOULD FALL. BUT HE DIDN’T CARE. IT WAS SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT. SOMETHING TO MAKE UP FOR AN OTHERWISE UNEVENTFUL DAY.
AFTER WE TALKED, HE WOULD GO OUT FOR HIS LAST CIGARETTE OF THE NIGHT, RIGHT BEFORE HE WENT TO BED. HE KNEW, EVERY TIME HE TOOK A DRAG OF THAT DEATH-TRAP BETWEEN HI FINGERS, THAT HIS LUNGS WERE SLOWLY FILLING WITH FATAL BLACK SMOKE, BUT HE WAS CONVINCED THAT IT WAS HELPING HIM TO DEAL WITH HIS LIFE. HE WAS SURE, THAT’S WHAT ALLOWED HIM TO COPE. NO ONE EVER TOLD HIM THAT THAT WAS JUST SOMETHING HE BELIEVED, AND IT WASN’T NECESSARILY TRUE. HE WOULDN’T HAVE CARED ANYWAY. HE WOULD HAVE JUST LIT UP ANOTHER ONE AND SAID, ‘HERE'S TO DEATH’.

MY FAITH, OR LACK OF IT.
IN TERMS OF GOD, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE OR DON’T BELIEVE. I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOME SUPERIOR BEING TO DEPEND ON, IN TERMS OF THE AFTER LIFE, BUT I SIMPLY CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO BELIEVE IN SOME AWESOME CREATURE, LIVING IN THE HEAVENS, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL LIFE, AND IN THE SAME INSTANT, IS COMPLETELY LOVING AND TRUSTWORTHY.
I DON’T KNOW HOW I WAS CONCEIVED INTO THIS WORLD, EITHER BY WHAT HUMAN OR OTHERWISE, AND TO A GREAT EXTENT, THAT TERRIFIES ME. I USED TO BELIEVE THAT MY ‘GOD’ JESUS CHRIST WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LIFE, AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS UNWILLINGLY BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD, IT WAS NOT WITHOUT A PURPOSE OR DIRECTION. I ONCE BELIEVED I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO LOVE MY ‘SAVIOUR’, AND TEACH OTHERS TO LOVE HIM AS WELL. FOR A WHILE I DID THAT. AND I TRANSFORMED MANY ‘ANTI-CHRIST’S’ INTO CHRISTIANS. FORTUNATELY, OR UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ARE STILL QUITE FAITHFUL. I AM NOT, BY ANY MEANS, AS FAITHFUL AS I USED TO BE. IN FACT, I FIND MYSELF TO BE QUITE THE ANTAGONIST.
MY LOVE FOR ‘GOD’, DID, AT ONE TIME, SURPASS ALL MEANINGS OF THE WORD. I LOST MY FAITH ALMOST A YEAR AGO, AFTER BEING DENIED,THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORSHIP, IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I EVENTUALLY CAME TO THE CONCLUSION, THAT HAVING ‘GOD’ ENCOMPASS MY ENTIRE THOUGHT AND BEING, WHILE STUDYING, PRAYING, AND WORSHIPING, IN EVERY AND ALL WAYS POSSIBLE, AND SPENDING EVERY WALKING MOMENT TRYING TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER, AND MORE FAITHFUL PLACE, WAS USELESS, AND GETTING ME NO WHERE. EVENTUALLY, I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IF THERE WAS ANYONE WATCHING AND LISTENING, THEY DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, AND I WAS JUST WAITING MY TIME ON A DREAM THAT WOULD NEVER COME TRUE.
I WAS DENIED THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME HAPPY, THE ONLY PURPOSE IN MY LIFE, AND THE ONLY THING THAT GAVE ME HOPE. I LIVED FOR GOD. I THOUGHT GOD EXISTED INSIDE OF ME, AND OTHER PEOPLE. I WAS A FOOL. I EVENTUALLY REALIZED THAT PEOPLE ARE TOO STUPID AND SELFISH TO CARE ABOUT GOD, AND GOD CANNOT EXIST, IF THERE IS NO ONE TO BELIEVE IN HIM OR DO THE THINGS HE WANTS THEM TO DO.
YET, NOW I SIT HERE, WITHOUT A PURPOSE, WITHOUT ANYONE TO TRUST, OR ANYTHING TO BELIEVE IN, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER, WHAT AM I TO DO NOW? ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FEAR DYING, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHERE I WILL GO, AND I FEAR LIFE, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHERE I CAME FROM, OR WHERE I WILL END UP. THE THING THAT SCARES ME THE MOST IS, IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU CAME FROM, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW WHERE YOU WILL GO? AND IF YOU DONT KNOW ANY OF THE ANSWERS TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, HOW COULD YOU BE EXPECTED TO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE?
I JUST PRAY TO WHATEVER INEVITABLE FORCE, ABOVE OR BEYOND, THAT I AM ONE DAY REINSTATED WITH MY OWN EMOTIONAL INSTINCT, THAT I ONCE OWNED, BUT HAVE SOME HOW LOST ALONG THE WAY.


Ants
I don’t know what im feeling
I don’t know who I am,
People say they love me,
But do they give a damn?
You twist and contort my words,
You slap me in the face,
Im not welcome in your presence,
I feel so out of place.
I hate these interactions,
I stager when I walk,
You’d like to think im happy,
But I can barely talk.
You confuse the hell out of me,
With the depression that you bring,
Your like ants at a picnic,
You hate it when I sing.
My common sense disturbs you,
Could it be you don’t understand?
Your so very raciest,
Yet, quite darkly tanned.



You & Yourself
You have the heat on high,
And the window rolled down,
You say it feels like spring.
Nothing you do ever makes sense,
Nothing you say has any thought,
You think your at an advantage.
Your not.
Your opinionated, yet ignorant,
You believe your always right,
I think you’re a complete jerk.
No one can get a word in,
You never shut up,
You think your completely brilliant.
Your not.
You believe your above me,
And above everyone else,
You think you’re a gift to the world.
You think you can control me,
You think you know who I am,
You think your so much stronger.
Your not.
Your not anything to me,
Your no one now,
You don’t even exist.
You don’t mean a thing,
Your pathetic and weak,
I don’t know you any more.


I Dont Want To Hear It
I don’t know why im here,
I don’t know where you’ve gone,
I feel as though were closer,
Yet you’ve been away so long.
Im misunderstood,
but you don’t seem to care,
I try to understand you,
But some things I cant bear.
Why do you say ‘I love you’?
Does it have any meaning at all?
I think many things are pointless,
Many things will make us fall.
Although we have nothing in common,
You still think we will work,
But you know I hate the world,
Because everyone’s a jerk.
How long will this go on for?
When will you give up?
Im never going to love you,
So I guess your out of luck.
Fuck.


Tenderness
Her hair is long like a goddess,
She is, most beautiful,
Although many do not notice,
It is indisputable.
Like me, she’s always cold,
Even when she’s burning hot,
She acquires her own knowledge,
There is nothing she was taught.
How do you escape my darlin?
From a world so senseless and cold?
You find so much tenderness,
In those that you hold.





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